montag in the middle

we can't always be blogging about inspirational feminist heroes. sometimes we just have to talk about the hills. but before we delve into that can i ask one question? wtf? where was the new gossip girl last trash t.v. monday? they were going to yale, blair was going to throw a shoe, chuck had a bag over his head, it was going to awesome. q'est-ce que c'est? i will not lie, i was a little crestfallen. luckily, the gang at mtv was there to cheer me up.

so, the question of lauren and heidi ever repairing their friendship looms large and its seems that everyone on the show thinks it is their biznas. lauren expresses her concerns to lo that heidi's sister, holly, is among those trying to matchmake their friendship and invites her along to meet holls for drinks that night. lo is already cutting out magazine pics for lauren homework assignment (lauren is in kindergarten) so why would she say no to this request?

meanwhile in camp montag, holly is taking the liberty to inform heidi that lauren misses her over lunch. heidi starts talking about what it's been like to lose lauren as a friend and as she starts to tear up i find that i am sooo surprised that i realize i had actually started thinking that heidi was a fembot. seriously. like vicki, from small wonder. she's fantastic, made of plastic... but no, it all comes back to me, she is actually a human person and i start to feel sorry for her again. i have been thinking that heidi needed to be put down but in this moment i feel like she is just a lost puppy with those big, sad, vacant, confused eyes. holly reassures her about lauren "when it comes to your friendship, she knows who you are. she knows your heart" (be glad it isn't contingent on her knowing your face, you would be in trouble). heidi, trying to reconcile this with the current situation suggests "maybe she just forgot?". sure, maybe.

holly enters phase 2 of stephanie pratt's abandoned mission 'reunite heidi and lauren'. she arrives at the bar to meet lauren and lo and, holls, can i be frank? homegirl, your hair looks a little dixie chicks. bless you. she delivers the "heidi misses old times" stump speech. too bad drines isn't joining them, she loves the "remember when we all used to hang out and be friends" conversation. lauren starts to speak and you realize how hard she has been trying to concentrate as she slurs "iss water unner the bridge..." she is WASTED! now the ridiculous eyes she was making at the bartender before holly's arrival make sense. lo just keeps commenting about how much holly reminds her of heidi. lo is clearly being incredibly blunt but about what?

heidi has taken holly's advice and decided to write lauren a nice old-fashioned letter which lauren unceremoniously drops on the desk of whitney, who acts as laurens friend/co-worker/dispassionate psychiatrist. whit reads the letter and makes an awesome face. whit thinks that heidi must be really lost and lonely. nailed it! lauren is skeptical (good girl) and observes that heidi continues to be unwilling to blame spence. whit observes "that's loyalty" and lauren responds "chya" with an awesome raised-eyebrow face. awesome faces, girls.

we now join a much more vacant face, as audrina goes on a second date with the guy i couldn't figure out why she was on a first date with. i mean they do have a lot in common (like being happy drunks - love connection!) but i would have thought that the fact that she talked non-stop about justin bobby and the fact that he even looked boring in comparison to her would have prevented date number 2. i mean, isn't audrina super sensitive to "weird vibes"? newsflash- date number 1 was weird vibe central but apparently drines had more stuff about jb that she wanted to tell this guy so here we are again. she suddenly realizes that perhaps he doesn't want to hear about jb (lightbulb!) and tries to explain and reassure "i like your company" which is like a care-bear stare coming from cold-fish patridge. then she says "it's weird". classic. that makes him feel like shit so she offers "sorry". yikes.

i guess holly decided that vaguely referencing the past was not enough to convince lauren to rekindle her friendship with heidi so she meddles further by dropping by the house to order dinner from take-out menus and continue to beat a dead horse. she asks about the letter (awesome lauren eye roll) and relates that heidi is so bummed about how things went down. i feel like that is the feeble "apology" you give to the guy who got caught and had to take the fall on the joint heist you both pulled. the thing is, lauren forgave heidi a long time ago. she seems genuinely concerned about her past bff when she asks "does heidi have any girlfriends?" no, besides her older sister. you don't count. then she finally straight up says that spence is the only real thing coming in the way of their reconciliation (he would be a deal-breaker for me too, dawg) lauren line! "it's not about her, you know? it's about the person she's always with".

its time to fill in the empty vessel on what's been going on. lauren tells drines that she forgives heidi and wants to look back fondly on their friendship. drines asks all the relevant questions: what if spence wasn't in the picture? does holly make her miss heidi?" (good job drines, earned that paycheck). then lauren throws out a crazy hypothetical: what if heidi had never met spencer? i think we all ask ourselves that question, and i think we are all talking about the same spencer. meanwhile, audrina can't imagine that hard.

audrina meets jb and tells him about her date. her what? jb says something hilarious about wishing he could have met the nice old chap which doesn't really make sense (quelle surprise) but still makes me laugh. then he proceeds to totally call her out (in comparison to drines, jb is an intellectual giant) and points out that she doesn't seem to have really thought through what she truly wants in terms of their dating other people and that "there's ways to go about things, you know, maturely — and maybe immaturely sometimes". what i love/hate/love about jb is that even when he starts to say something totally relevant he manages to immediately follow it with what needs to be said in order to make his previous statement totally nonsensical. its a weird internal checks and balances system that allows him to never really make any sense. then he says "you're a heart breaker" and they kind of flirt and jb is being really cute! who is this guy? seriously. donde esta the real jb?

back at the aryan apartment, holly is talking to heidi about politics. no, j/k, lauren. oops, robot heidi is a stand-in in this scene. see how her arms don't bend like human arms when she tucks her hair behind her ears? spence comes in and starts bitching about them talking about lauren. look out, it's fierce mama holly! uh oh, can't manipulate her so easily, can you spence? spence tries to make heidi feel guilty and small by accusing her of 'keeping secrets' about the letter she wrote lauren. heidi fires back "it's not her fault if she feels like she can't talk to you". true. holly thinks that since friendship with lauren does not involve spence at all it sounds like a great idea. oh snap. spence storms off in a huff, presumably to grow his weird beard and look at his cell phone in another room. holly checks to see if heidi is okay. don't worry, holls, it's robot heidi. she can't feel.

next week holly will raise the excellent point that in a proper relationship you shouldn't have to chose between it and EVERYTHING else. meanwhile, audrina will play the field really aggressively and i will continue to figure out what her deal is. most importantly, all this will happen after a new episode of gossip girl (yay).