sound the trumpets, strumpets

it was trashy t.v. monday y'all. gossip girl and the hills. that's right, i watch these shows and before you sit in judgment let me tell you something: these shows are really good. now, before i move on to talk about how i finally decided to give in to the o.c. reloaded, let me ask one question about the hills please - when are brody and lauren going to admit that they love each other? lauren, you should be brody's shorty and he should be your boo. make it happen.

okay, gossip girl. i decided this season that it was time. i never really got in to the o.c. which i can take pride in. like how i never got into new kids on the block. proud. anyway when i eventually checked it out it was a major disappointment, like dawson's creek trying to be melrose place... and failing. not even the "charming" jewish nerd could save it. thanks, but no thanks. so i was wary of g.g. but i decided to put the sins of the father aside and pick it up this season, see if it couldn't become another guilty pleasure along with the hills and antm. what i did not expect was that it would be so hilarious. i nearly peed my pants watching the season premiere. chuck, you guys.

so, last nights episode... (p.s. reviews will be a reoccurring feature on this blog. just an fyi for all you imaginary readers). anyway... fallout from serena and dan's breakup. now, i have gathered that dan is the poor guy and serena is the rich girl - best plot device ever. dan, win her back, boom box serenade!
so dan starts palling around with the "new girl", who is appropriately plain, planning lunch dates and the like and the battle to win the breakup begins. chuck loiters around the edges of the unfolding drama being amazing and saying things like "did i hear something about lunch?" i love him waking up serena to breakfast and news of dan and his gal pal by tickling her face with a flower. "boundaries, chuck". priceless.
elsewhere in the episode we are supposed to care that dan's dad (who i am pretty sure is played by the kid from two and a half men) is being sought after by his ex. well sorry, i don't. moving on.
valerie or vanessa or whoever secretly spots nate's mrs. robinson eating the face off of blair's new boyfriend, who is also mrs. robinson's step son! did you follow that? aaron spelling, eat your heart out. so, to recap, duchess catherine is having a may-december affair with vanessa's friend and love interest, nate (there is blackmailing/$ involved), but is also getting frisky with her own stepson, the cliche british guy. and british guy, marcus, and blair are dating so.... vanessa snaps a handy cell phone photo of the scandal and then shows it to dan seeking his advice. apparently dan and vanessa are both from the block. dan, staring at the photo, asks the question that i have been asking myself since i tuned into the season premiere: "why can't i look away?". i don't know, dan, i don't know. vanessa takes his advice and takes her problem to blair, taking advantage of blair's personal stake in the matter and penchant for carefully crafted revenge.
back to serena, dan and hannah montana. in an attempt to be the bigger person, serena suggests that the 3 try a group hang and they all head out that night to some bar that serves highschool students. oh my, dan and hannah montana like the same authors, serena feels like the odd one out or...um... the 3rd wheel? i know, shocking. that hardly ever happens when you are the other person on someone else's date. so blah, blah, blah, the tension escalates, some boring, pretty, douchebag frat boy gets involved and confrontation at the bar- serena explains, quite poignantly actually, how it really hurt her that he asked someone out the day they got back to school. makes sense. but then... oh no! the characters from mean girls put some crap that chuck (the puppeteer!) gives them in hannah montana's hair and it starts coming out in clumps (oh wait, isn't that also a scene from mean girls? get tina fey's lawyers on the phone). dan blames serena, outrage abounds and it is on, bitch. there is some sort of reference by the blogger (not sure how i feel about this aspect of the show, jury is still out) that serena is back on top, which i don't fully appreciate as i haven't watched season one. yet. anyway, i like where this is going.
speaking of things being "on", bitch, blair is at brunch with her little prince william. wills is gazing into her eyes, "summer home this, wealthiness that" and she is having none of it. she calls him out on his tryst with the cougar and wants no excuses. "i just want to get through this without throwing up in my mouth". we all know that feeling. catherine the cougar shows up all indignation and botox demanding to know whatever. i love this:
blair: take a seat
creepy cougar lady: excuse me?
blair: oh, not yet. but you will
in that moment the cougar receives the text from blair of the photo of her and wills rounding second base and sinks down into the chair. uh oh, spaghettio.
back at camp breakup drama, we discover that hannah montana was the evil henchman to chuck's carmen sandiego. that's right, friend, he hired her! but why? why, to stir the pot. to make serena jealous and light a fire under her ass. where is that famous fighting spirit? serena is back on top which means that chuck's former fling (and secret soulmate you guys) blair had better watch out. she is getting bumped from the throne. chuck, you creepy evil genius, i love you. chuck and blair manipulate masterfully, look at them, making things happen. you are destined to be together; you are the evil empire that speidi could be if spencer wasn't such a loser and heidi wasn't so pathetic. find each other.
anyway, ms. henchman is given her exit strategy, serena takes the queen bee spot and dan becomes a social pariah. not exactly clear on how these last two events unfold but i'll chock it up to the wondrous mystery of the social elite.
meanwhile, having misinterpreted blair's carefully laid brunch trap, vanessa totally screws the pooch by taking the affair to the cougar's husband, aka the duke, aka prince william's pops. oh dear, now the deal that blair struck with countess cougar to have her pay off nate's family's debt in exchange for discretion is totally null and void. vanessa subsequently feels like a total douche, which i subsequently think that she is. nate, ever sincere looking and floppy haired, is really only mad at her for lying to him. when will they ever learn.

overall this episode was a little light on the chuck, who is obviously the best part of this show. i am glad the ridiculous mrs. robinson plot has come to an end and we can focus on the rich clique drama. i continue to not care about dan's dad at all.

well, i am off to read shakespeare and study latin and other such highbrow intellectual pursuits. top drawer!