what do you say alanis, is it or isn't it?

our dog ate our entire catnip plant.

as soon as i finished this i thought of the word 'fine'

so it isn't exactly the half-way point of the year.  frankly, i have no idea what the exact half-way point is, for all i know this is actually the exact half-way point, i mean, february is a short month after all.  anyway, it is time for a little progress report on my new year's resolutions.  i know you all (read: joe and maybe casey) have been DYING to know how things have progressed.  i would like to say, before getting to the nitty gritty, that i am still behind my stance on resolutions (although perhaps not the rather preachy way i shared this stance in my original post) - aim high.  i mean not stupid high, like, "i resolve to grow 4 inches and become the next american idol" but not the self affirming pat on the back type resolutions encouraged by the "experts".  uh oh, i am getting a little aggressive with the quotations marks, time to reign it in.  anyway, let's see where i stand shall we?

• resolution 1: 6-pack, bitches! i try and fail ever year but i don't care. it's something to work towards and i like to believe that one of these years it will actually happen

-this is going much as it does every year.  i exercise regularly but not frequently and i do absolutely nothing in particular that focuses on my abs or actually getting a six-pack.  in truth i only really half want a six-pack; clearly the first half of the year was the half of me that doesn't really want one.  i think i am going to modify this resolution.  what!  unheard of!  well it's happening.  buns of steel, bitches!  i recently (today) discovered that the original buns of steel video, featuring the effervescent greg smithey, has been released on dvd.  watch me promptly purchase it and feel a "bun rebirth, right down there" before the year is out.

• resolution 2:  i would like to be making as much money through creative output (i.e. selling things i make) as i do at my job. this goal is more attainable than it might seem given that i make jack shit at my job

-well the good news is i am making even less money at my job now so this goal becomes that much more attainable.  i have made some other, less direct, progress towards my goal.  it is the sort of progress a more cynical person might call "not progress" but i know better.  i set up a sewing room.  i have a real and permanent place to work which is important.  i also sold 2 outfits so if the resolution had been  "i would like to be making as much money through creative output (i.e. selling things i make) as i do at my job over the period of 5 hours" i would be able to check this one of the list.  oh well, i am closer to the goal than i was at the start of the year so, not bad for the midway point.

• resolution 3:  cook dinner 3 times a week and bring my lunch to work 2 times a week (at least). this goal is actually more daunting to me than the previous one. if i hadn't discovered vegetarian taquitos from trader joe's i would upgrade it to impossible. 
  

-this one has been going pretty well although to give credit where credit is due, joe has been cooking a lot more and the increase in my eating home cooked meals is pretty much directly proportional to his increased culinary activities.  i do help out sometimes, prepare a critical component or, my favorite, jump in and stir at the last minute and then claim that we made dinner.  technically i did not specify who  would cook dinner 3 times a week so i am going to call this resolution achieved.  round of applause.   

• resolution 4:  try out for a local play. on new year's i had a revelation that i am a closet theatre person. yes, i realise that theatre people are terrible. that is why i am in the closet. 
  

-well this was always my long shot resolution.  i mean, aside from the 6-pack abs which is my standing long shot.  it has been a tough one.  my google searching has turned up improv classes at the pan theater in oakland.  this is basically turning into a new year's resolution to hate myself. 

• resolution 5:  make our backyard look less like an freeway underpass gathering place for homeless people and more like a place with plants that are being cared for.

-success!  well, to be honest, the shitty bamboo fencing that is hanging, broken and dirty, off of the chain link fence atop a concrete wall portion of the backyard still maintains that hobo-chic vibe but overall it has been a transformation.  like 'biggest loser' transformational.  like 'nanny 911' transformational.  like "they must have been doing it so wrong to make such simple changes and suddenly be doing it so right" transformational.  i exaggerate you not.  we have a vegetable garden with red and green peppers, squash, zucchini, red and green tomatoes, pole beans, radishes, onion, carrot (yeah those 2 are pretty much singular but they're there!), lettuce, and corn!  the corn is thriving which makes me super excited.  we have a lovely 2 tiered flower garden, some nice potted pansies and strawberries.  we have an herb garden in planters by the kitchen with oregano, rosemary, sweet and pesto basil, chives, dill, sage, mint and parsley.  and catnip but i am growing that in a secret location until it is hardy enough to withstand 3 cats who like to rub that shit all over their face.  i am not calling this a done deal yet because we have a few homeless corners left to tidy up and i want to re-cover the garden furniture but i got this one in the bag.   want a sneak peak of new year's resolution 2010?  balcony cactus garden and a chicken coop.  heck yes. 

well as everyone knows, five is the perfect number when making a list of goals and having achieved number 3 i need a replacement.  i suppose i could say that i could resolve to cook the 3 meals a week myself but as i've always said, if it ain't broke don't fix it so i am going to make a new one.  i am going to try to write my blog at least 3 times a month.  my plan is to write one every friday, the day i do not work at the museum.  i realise that there are usually 4 fridays a month but i do believe in being somewhat realistic about resolutions.  plus which i can't get enough of that resolution achievement high.  it's like a runners high for people who prefer improving their life to running.  i predicted 2009 would be the year i change my life.  it still may be, it's only halfway done.  it has certainly been eventful although not always pleasant.  looking back over it so far, and at my personal progress-to-goal report, it has been a productive one.  i am not sure how i feel about 2009.  i will say i do not like that there isn't a really perfect word to substitute for nine which both sums up the essence of the year and also rhymes.  like 'two-thousand great'(2008 - good year) or 'two-thousand boo'(2002 - bad year).   perhaps this year is two-thousand rhyme.  the year you spend all year looking for a word that rhymes with nine.

if a tree falls on your honda odyssey and no one's around to hear...

if they stopped making minivans would people just find a different type of car to universally drive badly?

nacho majority party

what do the republicans not get?  when the country elected barack obama they also made a choice about the direction they wanted the country to go.  it's not like we all got confused and thought we were voting for american idol and the way we want the country run is wide open.  obama ran on a very specific platform: helping the middle class, transparency, accountability, green jobs, stimulus package, going through the budget and eliminating things that don't work, tax hikes on the very wealthy... and america said, "yes, please".  we didn't just go "obama is awesome, i'm still up in the air about what i want him to do when he's elected but he is just super great".  we voted against your plan nimrods.  yes, john mccain was like a short-circuiting enchanted stump but we ultimately voted against republican policies.  and sarah palin.  so this idea that we're back at square one pitching ideas about what's the main strategy is absurd.  what the president is doing in terms of bipartisan outreach is incredible and you are being the biggest babies.  and the vast majority of americans agree (watch hardball for the stats).  it's pathetic.  let me echo the deafening choirs, okay?  republicans, we do not like your ideas.  we do not trust you.  you have failed and we don't want to try you plan again.  it is fatally flawed.  no.  no, we can't.  okay, do you understand?  so shut up, try try try some self-examination and please be gracious at the president's march madness party.  and bring nachos.

ok honestly

i want to be a mac.  of course i want to be a mac.  don't get me wrong, i love john hodgeman but macs are slick looking and they make a really nice clacky noise when you type on them.  i love all the random programs that i don't really use and the ones that i do use (stickies!).  i like that it has a matching mp3 player and a matching phone.  what can i say, i like when things come in sets.  and i won't deny, i like the indie cred, however unbearably mainstream that credibility actually is.  in fact, we are probably a week and a half away from "ironic p.c.'s" being the actually indie credible thing.  but all that aside, how the hell do you format anything on this thing?  it underlines the things i spell wrong (or the irish way.  luckily it has learned to ignore my blatant disregard to capitalization), but i cannot figure out how to correct them without going through the whole spell checking process.  ignore, ignore, yes i know bwah is not word, ignore... tiresome.  granted, it has made me think more, erasing and respelling the words that are my downfall (vowels, grrr) but sometimes i don't feel like doing that and sometimes i can't spell the frickin word so what is the mac equivalent of the left click?  the left click is the most awesome function ever, why can't i do that on my mac?  or can i?  it is becoming a serious roadblock in our love.  and, to the point of this post, why do i find it so hard to format the font for my blog when i type posts on my mac?  it's no problem on a p.c. but i feel too guilty typing them at work (catholicism, grrr) so here i am, shouting one post whispering the next.  can anybody help me?  mac guy, are you done not being into that girl?  can you help me? 

well, at least i have the dashboard.

nobody puts baby in a corner

"it's a midwestern thing...I don't think we can control it"  William Fisher

from the gmail chat identity of baby throckmorton.

how true it is.

townspeople, townspeople, a wolf is attacking my sheep!

when the republicans voted down the financial bailout on it's first run through the house of representatives, despite all of that party's conviction that it's immediate passage was crucial to the survival of our country's entire economic framework, house minority (ha ha, you're the minority) leader john boehner (ha ha, looks like boner) knew exactly whose fault it was the republicans didn't pass it:

"we've put everything we had into getting the votes to get there today. but the speaker had to give a partisan voice that poisoned our conference.... after what i thought was a rather partisan speech, given the nature of this bill and how we've worked in a bipartisan way, it really killed our chances to get any of those dozen members to actually come our way and vote for the bill."

when the republicans voted unanimously against the stimulus, despite president obama's overtures - meeting with the caucus and key members of the republican party in the house (not to mention - bipartisan cocktail party!) and amending the bill to appease them (lower taxes, more unplanned babies!!), the ever perceptive john boehner was once again able to pinpoint the cause of their 188-handed bitch slap of the president:

"[t]he onus is on speaker pelosi. she needs to meet with us. she needs to open her doors. we need to begin to work truly in a bipartisan fashion"

no forget the tall guy - we only accept bipartisanship from the speaker of the house.  screw his efforts, that won't make us decide not to vote against something to help the country simply on principle and the natural inclination to behave like a crop of wounded, indignant, passive aggressive babies.

you know, for being the leader of the democrats in the house, pelosi seems to be pulling the strings for the republicans.  forget limbaugh (no seriously, america, please forget rush limbaugh), i think nancy pelosi might be the new leader of the republican party.

resolution revolution

well it is a new year. time to change our lives. time to decide that this is the year we become everything we have ever said we want to be and secretly think we want to be. i was listening to the radio yesterday and there was a woman on giving advice that doesn't really need to be given about picking realistic goals for the new year (as if we are all confused about WHY our resolutions fail. i, for one, am perfectly aware of WHY i have not achieved the myriad of goals and aspirations i constantly set for myself. i don't need some alleged expert in an area that doesn't really warrant having "expertise" telling me WHY i don't have 6-pack abs, my own television talk show, a fashion line, a perpetually tidy house, sold out gallery shows all over the continental united states, a remodeled bathroom and home-cooked meals every night. i just want her to tell me that this is the year i achieve those things and then leave me to enjoy my disillusionment for as long as it lasts).
so here are my goals and i don't care how lofty or unattainable they are. why not aim high? why is it a better idea to make a resolution that requires little to no thought or effort to achieve? am i really going to fall for that? i can hardly imagine setting a new year's resolution goal to, for example, rake the leaves once every 2 months (perfectly attainable goal) and then feel some enormous sense of achievement for having managed to keep my resolution going. i am not a 4-year old who has spilled flour everywhere and dropped eggs shells into the batter and, having been told my over-affirming mother that i am "such a great helper" thinks to myself "wow, i am so great. what a feat". i mean it's ridiculous. i am much more realistic about myself and in judging my accomplishments, sorry. i would rather make an actual resolution that i would actually like to achieve and then strive towards that. what happened to it all being about the journey? don't we gain something in the effort to become a better person? even if i never get that washboard stomach (which, trust me, i never will) aren't i still getting stronger and healthier with every sporadic and inconsistent sit-up i do? isn't the week's worth of home cooked meals scattered here and there amongst the lazy and costly outings to local restaurants worth something? even the idea that these are changes i want and am willing to try and bring about has value in terms of personal growth. i just don't think the answer is lowering expectations but perhaps instead lowering judgment and harsh self critique when the actions resolved don't pan out exactly as planned.
so without further ado, here is my lengthy and unrealistic list of resolutions for 2009:

• 6-pack, bitches! i try and fail ever year but i don't care. it's something to work towards and i like to believe that one of these years it will actually happen
• i would like to be making as much money through creative output (i.e. selling things i make) as i do at my job. this goal is more attainable than it might seem given that i make jack shit at my job
• cook dinner 3 times a week and bring my lunch to work 2 times a week (at least). this goal is actually more daunting to me than the previous one. if i hadn't discovered vegetarian taquitos from trader joe's i would upgrade it to impossible.
  
• try out for a local play. on new year's i had a revelation that i am a closet theatre person. yes, i realise that theatre people are terrible. that is why i am in the closet.
  
• make our backyard look less like an freeway underpass gathering place for homeless people and more like a place with plants that are being cared for.

that is five which everyone knows is the perfect number when making a list of goals. i hope to achieve them all and , since it's still only the beginning of january, i feel confident that i will. look at me, i am more confident already. i knew 2009 would be the year i change my life.