resolution revolution

well it is a new year. time to change our lives. time to decide that this is the year we become everything we have ever said we want to be and secretly think we want to be. i was listening to the radio yesterday and there was a woman on giving advice that doesn't really need to be given about picking realistic goals for the new year (as if we are all confused about WHY our resolutions fail. i, for one, am perfectly aware of WHY i have not achieved the myriad of goals and aspirations i constantly set for myself. i don't need some alleged expert in an area that doesn't really warrant having "expertise" telling me WHY i don't have 6-pack abs, my own television talk show, a fashion line, a perpetually tidy house, sold out gallery shows all over the continental united states, a remodeled bathroom and home-cooked meals every night. i just want her to tell me that this is the year i achieve those things and then leave me to enjoy my disillusionment for as long as it lasts).
so here are my goals and i don't care how lofty or unattainable they are. why not aim high? why is it a better idea to make a resolution that requires little to no thought or effort to achieve? am i really going to fall for that? i can hardly imagine setting a new year's resolution goal to, for example, rake the leaves once every 2 months (perfectly attainable goal) and then feel some enormous sense of achievement for having managed to keep my resolution going. i am not a 4-year old who has spilled flour everywhere and dropped eggs shells into the batter and, having been told my over-affirming mother that i am "such a great helper" thinks to myself "wow, i am so great. what a feat". i mean it's ridiculous. i am much more realistic about myself and in judging my accomplishments, sorry. i would rather make an actual resolution that i would actually like to achieve and then strive towards that. what happened to it all being about the journey? don't we gain something in the effort to become a better person? even if i never get that washboard stomach (which, trust me, i never will) aren't i still getting stronger and healthier with every sporadic and inconsistent sit-up i do? isn't the week's worth of home cooked meals scattered here and there amongst the lazy and costly outings to local restaurants worth something? even the idea that these are changes i want and am willing to try and bring about has value in terms of personal growth. i just don't think the answer is lowering expectations but perhaps instead lowering judgment and harsh self critique when the actions resolved don't pan out exactly as planned.
so without further ado, here is my lengthy and unrealistic list of resolutions for 2009:

• 6-pack, bitches! i try and fail ever year but i don't care. it's something to work towards and i like to believe that one of these years it will actually happen
• i would like to be making as much money through creative output (i.e. selling things i make) as i do at my job. this goal is more attainable than it might seem given that i make jack shit at my job
• cook dinner 3 times a week and bring my lunch to work 2 times a week (at least). this goal is actually more daunting to me than the previous one. if i hadn't discovered vegetarian taquitos from trader joe's i would upgrade it to impossible.
  
• try out for a local play. on new year's i had a revelation that i am a closet theatre person. yes, i realise that theatre people are terrible. that is why i am in the closet.
  
• make our backyard look less like an freeway underpass gathering place for homeless people and more like a place with plants that are being cared for.

that is five which everyone knows is the perfect number when making a list of goals. i hope to achieve them all and , since it's still only the beginning of january, i feel confident that i will. look at me, i am more confident already. i knew 2009 would be the year i change my life.